to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
