I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
