bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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