Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
