I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
