what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
