mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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