Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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