I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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