yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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