I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
