I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
