I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
