watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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