i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
