this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
