I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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