Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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