NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
