your parents love me but you hate me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
