guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She needs sedatives and a leash
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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