He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
