you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
