....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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