Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
