i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
