I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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