i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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