Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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