Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
