There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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