When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
