we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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