I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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