Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
