Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
