Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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