Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would fuck him just for his dog
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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