All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
