how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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