I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
