the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
