so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
