god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
