just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she peed on how many people?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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