Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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