so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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