I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
