I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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