i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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