I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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