No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
