I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
