Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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