i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
