Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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