Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm like, not good at living.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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