I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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