Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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